Be inclusive regardless of your personal feelings. Okay, so you know she doesn't like you and you're pretty sure she knows that you don't like her. This doesn't mean you can just stop visiting. This is your spouse's mother, remember, and a mother is very important in life. Don't be rude when your wife or husband wants to visit his or her parents on a Saturday afternoon. You still need to let their child-parent relationship breathe. Visit with your spouse – don't make yourself scarce. Your in-laws will think you're a wuss and this will only make them dislike you more. Remember, the goal is to "get along" with your mother-in-law...
Talk it through with your spouse. Telling your spouse is vital; if your spouse has no idea how you're feeling, he or she may put you in situations you'd rather not be in, like taking care of dear old
mom while she's sick. Find an opportune time to sit down together and talk through the issues in a
calm and kind way.
Tell your spouse kindly (remember, this is his or her mother) how you feel. State the facts, not your opinions. For example, if your mother-in-law tried to run you over with her SUV, say so. Don't say, "She's horrible and she wants to kill me!" Explain very clearly, without being rude and hurtful: "Ah Musa, I'm worried your mom might be having sight problems because last week she back the SUV right into me even though it was the middle of the day and I was wearing a bright red dress."
Discuss calmly. Ask your spouse how he or she feels about your mother's behavior (present the facts, not your perception). If the both of you are sharing opinions, it may allow you to be more honest.
If it's good enough for you, it's good enough for your spouse. Don't freak out if your spouse hates your own mother with a passion! Remember, if you're just finding out now, then obviously they've done a good job at hiding it. So expect them to continue hiding it around your family.
Don't be surprised if your spouse refuses to "take sides". He or she loves both of you equally, so taking sides can seem petty and pointless in such a case
Give her Space
Let her spend time alone with her child. Don't always expect to be hovering around your spouse and knowing everything that's happening right then.Don't compete with her. If she makes the best egusi soup and pounded yam you have ever had, stop trying to outdo her. Rely on letting your own unique strengths that attracted your spouse to you to shine forth instead. There is plenty of room for both of you!
Clarify misunderstandings. Don't allow your relationship with your mother-in-law to be directed by her assumptions about you and your needs. This is at least one area where you can set her straight, even if she doesn't want to listen.
Be assertive and use the broken record technique to keep reminding her whenever she gets things mixed up that things are not as she says they are. Do it politely, firmly, and repeatedly. She'll get the message that there are some things which you will continue to insist on regardless of her assumptions
Responding in a direct manner and addressing your mother-in-law's complaints will disarm her to an extent but it also lets her know that you will stand up for yourself and family when you believe that a line has been crossed.
Use humour
Deflecting criticism with humor can deflate the barbs intended and put everyone at ease again. When it seems that all she's interested in doing is complaining, try to find witty means for replying.
Look for the good she does and praise it. Always do this in her presence and be genuine. Praising the behavior you want from another person is an often successful technique for ensuring that the desired behavior is repeated. Ignore the undermining behavior completely; just focus one what her good points are.
Thank her for raising such a wonderful spouse!
Flatter her by passing on a compliment about her that someone else you know made about her (for example, "Your mother-in-law is amazing!").
Be kind and get to know her
Just like you, your mother-in-law has experienced life's problems, joys, and losses. And just like you, she cares about the person you've married. Take some time to ask her questions about her life, to try and get to know her better. Perhaps some of her complaints stem directly from experiences she's had in the past of things that didn't work out for her and she's really worried that the two of you will repeat the wheel. If you understand her fears and concerns better, you'll be in a better position to reassure her.
Ask her for things that show you respect her knowledge. Ask for the recipe of a cake that she bakes that you love. Ask her how she manages to keep her hair in such great shape. Ask her how she found balancing work and child-raising. Ask her all sorts of things under the sun that allow her to talk about herself. You will learn a lot and it's a good opportunity to reassure her of the things that she does best.
Next time you're at her house, try to spend a few moments with her in the kitchen or sit near her and chat. If the conversation doesn't go that well, you can always get up to use the bathroom and sit back down in another chair!
Ask her to do things for you if you don't think she'll think about it
Ask her to proofread your report before submitting it. Ask for her professional opinion about something if she's qualified in a particular field. Ask for whatever you think she has expertise in and will enjoy helping you with or offering advice about.
